We have been running every which way for the past couple of weeks, and the kids have just been super about all of the craziness. We’ve also had many opportunities to witness other kids in public places, notably restaurants, and I am on my high horse again about bad, bad, bad parenting.

We’re sitting in a Denny’s after having spent two grueling hours driving the first 50 miles out of town last Wednesday night, and Brandon and Nora politely and calmly order from the kids’ menu. While we’re waiting for our food to arrive, the restaurant doors burst open and a three or four year old little boy comes hurtling down the aisle, shedding hat and coat and shrieking at the top of his lungs. His father follows behind, picking up the discarded items, and not a word is said about how shrieking in a restaurant, even a Denny’s, is just not acceptable behavior. A few minutes later, they emerge from the restroom and the kid is still screeching and running just as fast as he can, and his parents just trail behind him to their table without a word.

We’ve received many compliments on the behavior of our children, which is always nice, but it always strikes me that the reason that our kids get so much attention for being well behaved is because so many other kids are not being taught the skills necessary to function in polite company. Parents approach public behavior with fear of the whims of their children instead of with the expectation that they won’t tear apart a restaurant, begging the little darlings to “just behave” without setting out specific guidelines for what that means. (And don’t get me started on the trying to be your kid’s best friend trend…)

We talk to our kids about the difference between restaurant manners and church manners and fun play time. We expect exemplary behavior because we’ve taught them how. They know our expectations to a “T” and they know that if they don’t meet them they won’t get to have fun play time or do cool things like eat at grown up restaurants (not Denny’s) or hang out with cool people or go to the movies. And they’ve known these things from almost minute one of life, because we’ve taken them all kinds of places and told them how they’re expected to behave and helped them achieve that behavior with appropriate guidance and praise. And we’re pretty careful to monitor their level of stimulation to know when they just need a break (though this is so hard when we’re so busy!!).

So my advice to parents with hellions at home (and then in museums and stores and restaurants)? The single worst thing you can do is to react to negative behavior with anything except a stony face and removal of stimulation (send them to sit on their bed or some other lonely place by themselves, take away the toy they’re fighting over, and turn off the godsdamned television, etc). Anger, threats, yelling, spanking, etc - none of these things work, because they’re getting what they want from you, which is attention. Lavish praise on them when they’re acting civilized, “catch” them being good and point it out, and just talk to them about different ways of behaving. Kids learn good behavior by having to practice it, and by knowing exactly what is expected of them. Don’t punish them for what you haven’t taught them. And don’t tolerate less than their best effort.

The other point is that reward systems can be just as bad as punishment - if they’re only behaving to get a treat, then will they continue that behavior if there isn’t a treat? It might work the first few times, but then they start to expect it - “Well, what do I get if I don’t tear apart the restaurant?”

And one more thing on restaurants - it helps if you have a family habit of sitting at a table facing each other at least a couple times a week for dinner, because then they’re used to that at least, and it helps even more if you make conversation at the same time and keep them involved. Practice is good, and so is family time without television or other outside distraction.

Enough soap box. ;-)